This was originally done as an assignment for my English Lit 1600-1800 class. This is in the style of a mock epic and is written in Iambic pentameter. This was the most fun I've had doing an assignment so far. I include it here as part of the portfolio of my work.
The Bountiful Chronicle
I sing of maids and of warriors both,
Trav’ling far off lands in search of the proof.
That new born chalice, long thought of as tale,
Of cleansing, pure and simple is this grail. 4
Many have heard, but none have yet found,
This magical grail, guarded by the hound.
This beast, so fierce, its eyes appear to glow,
Its name, known but not spoken is Alpo. 8
Twill take a hero; one strong, brave and true,
This quest to complete, his lady to woo.
Our hero known to all in his county,
Handsome, gallant, is our own Sir Bounty. 12
His lady, sweet and fair, begged of his aid,
A quest to start, the use of shield and blade.
Viva, the Sun Maid, gown frayed and dirty,
Begged the aid of her Lord, true and sturdy. 16
To her honor a stain, twas on her skirt,
Horrid and brown, this evil smudge of dirt.
I can’t live with this she cried out in pain,
Only the new Wisk will take out this stain 20
Tis in the new ad, I’ve seen this for sure,
You must find me this Wisk, tis at the store.
I can’t live without this wondrous soap,
To clean with this Wisk is my only hope. 24
To thee I beg, my dear, wise Sir Bounty,
Twill be a long quest, out of this county.
Past the Pepper Ridge and Hill Shire Farms,
Is where you must go to take up these arms. 28
Viva my one love, have you no fear,
This quest will I take, so be of good Cheer.
First I seek the aid of heav’n above,
And send my prayers on the wings of a Dove. 32
Of grail of cleansing, and machine of clean,
Eer in my thought, to thee, this I do sing.
This quest must I do, though it be hard,
And so tis to you I pray, Master Card. 36
I sing praises to thee, my lucky charm,
Give me strength of mind, body and of arm.
Spinach I offer, the food of Popeye,
May it give me 9 lives and a Birds Eye.. 40
Aid he prayed for and twould soon to him show,
Appear’d to him the Sprite of Co. Co. Co.
This quest you seek, and are to honor bound,
You’ll need help so companions have I found. 44
To you I will send the 3 Musketeers,
Each brings his own talent, this group of peers.
Each brings a diff’rent weapon to aid you,
How each will help thy quest I canst tell you. 48
Sir Duncan of Hines, smiles like the sun,
Carved on his shield, there can be only one.
His weapon of choice, one long and sharp blade,
Off with their heads twas the cry he had made. 52
The next, though salty, came’st from a good clan,
A dash of flair has the brave Kiko Man.
His wit tangy, his sword arm strong and true,
No better comrade could I find for you. 56
The last of the trio, one you canst lack,
Is the one known simply as Hungry Jack.
Jack’s heart is true and twould never forsake,
The quest till done, then rewards he’ll partake. 60
One last group will I send, these find yourselves,
They are known simply as the Keebler Elves.
Thy quest shant be won if their aid thee nix,
Their weapon of choice, known as Club Snack Stix. 64
Off the sprite did go, Vanish’d in a flash,
Leaving behind nary a sugar sweet splash.
Sir Bounty gathered his arms, shield and sword,
His steed, one strong like steel, he did board. 68
To his fair lady he bid fond farewell,
Gather’d his comrades and left with a yell.
To the plaza we go, we must away,
There dwells who we seek, the sage of Parkay. 72
Passage they booked, on the ship Brillo Pad,
The skipper, Captain Crunch, was a strong lad.
Amid the Ocean Spray they sailed bravely,
Capri Sun shone on the Vitamin Sea. 76
Early noon Tide, made the ship run aground,
The captain passed Lifesavers around.
To the near isle they all swam away,
Crunch smiled at them and pointed the way. 80
Tis the isle you need, he now smiles,
The elves live there, just ahead ten miles.
Shouldst take you a day to make this journey,
To find the head elf, the one called Ernie. 84
The heroes Bounty, Duncan, Kiko, Jack,
Trekked towards the elves, thru night gone to black.
Ernie met them at the edge of his land,
And said yes I will join your merry band. 88
The heroes trek back to the ship repair’d,
Just as the captain, he loudly declared.
Gather your things lads, tis time to deploy,
We are not alone, I see Chips Ahoy. 92
Ready for battle, my friends and ship mate,
Twould seem there is one here who does hate.
Ernie spoke, his sad eyes downward glance,
I thought we’d escape, hope’d we had the chance. 96
Bounty most concerned, urged Ernie to speak,
Tell us who we fight, who is this strange freak?
This foe slays for fun, he is a thriller,
Count Chocula, the serial killer. 100
The battle begun, was fought long and hard,
At battle’s end the count remained unmarred.
The count gave orders, don’t stop, press ahead,
Soon his men were either dying or dead. 104
His infantry, many men were cut down,
To lay on the field, a sea of dark brown.
Those that lived yet, Bounty cleaned with a swipe,
Their skill and training was not yet quite ripe. 108
Seeing defeat, to the west the Count fled,
To his lair he ran, filled with a deep dread.
The lair lay atop of the Ice Mountain,
There he remained, not to be seen again. 112
Our heroes, to the quest they returned,
With a desire to finish, they burned.
Eastward they sailed, to the Nature Valley,
Past this they must go fast, they canst dally. 116
Thus bidding Captain Crunch a fond farewell,
Our heroes trekked on, not one was unwell.
Each missed his fair lady, wife or lover,
Though each sought out quests, each was a rover. 120
Trekked on did they, through night and through the day,
At last they camest to the sage of Parkay.
Bounty asked thumping his fist to his chest,
What else must I do to finish this quest? 124
Parkay replied, his voice loud and shaking,
Ernie can help you, he brought his baking.
A snack soft and round, to him you must show,
You must feed to the hound, the fierce Alpo. 128
This snack, light and sweet, a treat most soothing,
Twill make this fierce hound fall into snoozing.
Past the hound, now lying within a dream,
By him you must go, without being seen. 132
Once past the hound, your goal, it will be near,
One last mission to do, then you are clear.
Tis easy said Parkay if you have heart,
Get thee to town, to the brand new Wal-Mart. 136
Finished then with the sage, the quartet head out,
They head to Wal-Mart by the shortest route.
Companions four, their final goal in sight,
Prepared for what would be their final fight. 140
The huge hound they saw, guarding the closed door,
Ernie went forth bravely, this is my chore.
The hound growled, but Ernie did him entice,
With a cookie made from sugar and spice. 144
Yon hound lay down in one sweeping motion,
The sweet, twould seem, was just the right potion.
Past Alpo they went, on into the store,
Row upon row of fine products galore. 148
Down the lane of cold, the quartet must go,
Blocking their way stood one green, giant toe,
This toe, a bright earthy color of green,
Twas on the foot of the giant so mean. 152
Hungry Jack stepped up, to fight off this foe,
But Bounty said nay, I’ll give it a go.
Drawing his sword, the famed BicStick of prose,
With one clean slice he sheared the giant’s toes. 156
Howling in pain, the giant moved his foot,
Quickly past they went, the blockage he’d put.
The Kiko man stayed, to deal with the lout,
In case they would need another way out 160
Into the aisle, one sparkling and clean,
With products, many more than they’d ee’r seen.
Bounty faced one last hurdle to his quest,
A tall bald man posed a new mental test. 164
Riddle me this, Sir Bounty if you’re able,
Answer me true this question from fable.
What is green and goes to a summer camp,
Answer right, of this quest you will be champ. 168
Bounty pondered, then laughing he burst out,
The answer tis easy, a Brussels’ Scout.
The man grinned, on his mop he was leaning,
You’ve won your prize from the God of cleaning. 172
Take this then, your prize, home to your wife,
This should cure all her trouble and her strife.
Wisk I give to you in this fair chalice,
Take it home to your wife, to your palace. 176
One last thing that must always be followed,
Don’t forget to use the little bar code.
Vanishing into a sign of rollbacks,
Jack exclaimed, that was the great god Ajax! 180
The four then head, to the front, the way out,
But first they must pass the straights of chequeout.
In order to pay the price they now owed,
They needed to use Ajax’s bar code. 184
The young lass they paid, asked for this relic,
Which bag do you want, paper or plastic?
Bounty’s quest, he sighs, is now nearly done,
He must get home with the prize that he’d won. 188
Crunch’s ship they found, was still to be had,
So once more they boarded the Brillo Pad.
A few days journey brought them to the shore,
Farewell they bid Crunch and his crew of four. 192
The four found steeds, at the stable they pay,
Riding them home, along the old highway.
Nearing home, the four, at last parted ways,
Each to his own house, where his lady stays. 196
At Castle Towelracque Viva waits her lord,
And prays he brings home new Wisk, her reward
Without this Wisk, the chalice of cleaning,
Her life over, it will have no meaning. 200
With a Shout of Joy, she leaps to her feet,
And out the door races, her lord to meet.
Viva my love, give me big smiles,
I have your Wisk after many miles. 204
Oh Bounty, you did it, you won the day,
Tis just what I need, tis what they all say.
Wisk is the answer, its color is blue,
Belinda told me, and she eer speaks true. 208
Later that day, Viva shows off her skirt,
Marred no longer by the stain of the dirt.
Taking his hand, she says lets go have fun,
Bounty nods and grins for a job well done 212
The End (for now)
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